Casualties of Choice
by JaliceAZ
Summary: [Used to be titled "Casualties of the Heart" but that title never felt right]. Shepard faces another suicide mission to save the galaxy, yet she finds herself dangerously unsettled by feelings for Garrus and Thane. A multi-chapter character study in progress, rated M for language and sexuality. Currently set in ME2 headcanon which may develop into an AU. Not sure yet.
1. Solipsism, eh?

**Author's Note: This is my first attempt at writing a fanfic, so if you write a review, please be gentle with me. However, I would welcome a beta reader for this story, if any one is interested.**

**As I find the act of publishing each chapter as I write it a great source of motivation, that also means that I'm constantly going back and editing/changing/improving old chapters (sometimes drastically) as the story matures and I find some of the earlier work was superfluous. So yeah, there's that.**

**Thanks to Claudia (Zellbunnii) of deviantart for giving me permission to use her awesome artwork!**

**Obviously, I want to thank Bioware for creating these incredible characters and the Mass Effect World. They lit my imagination on fire. And I'd also like to give a shout out to Ezri Krios and their story ****_Resolution_**** as well as to Lindira for her story ****_Slipping_****. Both these authors and their amazing works inspired me to give it a go here.**

**Lastly, thanks for checking my story out. Enjoy!**

* * *

"If you kill a man with your gun, do you hold the gun responsible?"

Shepard couldn't disagree more. "My gun can't decide right from wrong, you clearly do."

"My soul does. But my body is merely flesh; flesh whose reflexes were honed to kill. Drell minds are different from humans. We see our body as a vessel and accept that it is not always under our control."

"So you don't assume any responsibility for the things you do?" Shepard was appalled. It wasn't that she couldn't understand the need to kill, it was that she always took responsibility for the necessity of it. She never forgot the casualties that resulted from many of the hard choices she'd had to make as commander. No reflex could ever account for those lost.

The assassin sensed the repulsion in her tone, but he took no offense, calmly giving a straightforward response. "Not every action performed by my body is the result of conscious choices. I take responsibility for those that are."

Shepard resisted the urge to refute him further. While she could accept the concept of battle reflexes, she'd even experienced them herself, going into an efficient trance-like state as she gunned down opponents or blasted them with biotic shockwaves, but there were too many aspects of his work which she could not categorize as involuntary acts. Accepting a contract, stalking the target, planning his missions, those are all choices made before he ever put himself in the position to rely on his combat reflexes. Shepard's own moral compass would never allow her to adopt such a viewpoint for herself.

Nevertheless, she did not wish to ostracize the lone assassin. He obviously held a distinct moral belief system which his personal sense of identity depended on. And as he was graciously choosing to put himself in harm's way for her cause in the little able-bodied time he had left, she didn't want to offend him. Whatever his beliefs were, they were pushing him to "be her gun" on perhaps the most important, and the most dangerous, mission in the galaxy. That was enough for her.

Best to change the subject, then; the last time she'd spoken with him, Thane had explained solipsism. A characteristic shared by all members of his species, drell had perfect memory. It was a trait she had to admit she envied. She asked him about the last memory he'd lost himself in, something about sunset colored eyes.

"_Laser dot trembles on the skull. Spice on the spring wind. Sunset eyes, defiant in the scope_...A bystander noticed my spotting laser and threw herself between me and the target. She couldn't see me, but she stared me down."

"How intriguing. Did you take the shot?"

"Not...that day."

Shepard felt a little satisfaction at seeing him contradict himself. _So the "gun"' chose __**not **__to take the shot after all?_ But she refrained from pointing this out. He already seemed conflicted about this memory at any rate. She stood up to leave him with his thoughts. "I should get back to my duties."

"Shepard. I appreciate these chats we have." Thane flinched inwardly at the uncharacteristic eagerness in his tone. It was his habit to keep others at a distance. It was necessary to do so to protect curious innocents from becoming entwined in his work, or worse yet, caught in the crossfire. However, this situation was different. He permitted himself a little latitude.

He had accepted this "suicide mission," hoping to find an honorable death. He had never worked closely with a crew before. _No one has ever worked closely with such a crew as this._ Perhaps it was a side-effect of his impending demise, or just that the commander had such a strong and charismatic personality, but he had quickly grown to anticipate Shepard's presence in his quarters. He admired this rare human and he hadn't acknowledged how lonely he truly felt before her visits began. Her open curiosity was strangely, gratifying to him. He wanted to encourage her to visit him often, however, he wasn't certain if his years of solitude hadn't dampened his social skills.

"You've spent a lot of your life alone, Thane."

_So, she has felt the limitations of my hospitality after all._ He uttered a small grunt in acknowledgement at the truth of her words. "Work fulfilled me. Reading. I've barely spoken to anyone outside my family. It seems there will be no one to mourn me when I die. You're the only friend I've made in ten years," yet another uncharacteristically open statement escaping his lips.

Her heart ached for him, she was inclined to reach for his hand, but quickly dismissed the idea as inappropriate._ He's so graciously resigned to his death. It's almost creepy._ "You're quite the paradox, Krios. You seem more like a monk than an assassin. I am enjoying getting to know you too, but this crew is pretty diverse, you must have something in common with some of them. Get out of this room and talk to them."

"I shall...consider it."

_Shit._ She hadn't meant to reject his declaration of friendship. She only hoped to encourage him to reach out more. It was depressing to think of a dying man alone in this little room so much of the time. And her crew really was pretty fantastic if you gave any one of them a chance. But then again she supposed so much solitude wasn't so bad if you had a powerful memory like his. _Solipsism, eh? _ "Either way, I'm pleased that you consider me a friend. Your confidence...means a lot."

"I won't keep you." He felt a twinge of guilt at having dismissed her so briskly, but he didn't turn to watch her leave. Thane was rattled by her response. But why? She had, after all, responded favorably in the end. What exactly was he hoping to make of their tenuous friendship? He felt an inaudible rumbling of disquiet in his chest. He was no longer still. He would meditate on this.

* * *

Shepard generally took pride in seeing to her crew on an individual level. People often complimented her "extraordinary talents" when it came to bringing together unexpected allies from all over the galaxy. Joker had snidely remarked on her diverse team by asking her why she couldn't just collect coins or commemorative plates rather than "dangerous aliens." Kasumi had claimed that it was, "Shep's superpower." But the way the commander saw it, the only superpower she really possessed as a leader, was instilling trust in people. Trust in themselves, trust in the team, trust in the higher truths that cut through the political bullshit; most of which boiled down to trust in her in the end. She couldn't fail them, and despite the intense demands she placed upon them, her hand-picked motley crew rarely failed her either.

However, the commander also understood that, though she worked hard to show them all that she valued them as individuals, she also needed to maintain a certain professional distance for her command to be effective. It was a tricky balance to keep, but she'd gotten pretty good at it, for the most part. Except now her attempt to balance distance and personal attention with Thane, didn't quite sit well. She could think of nothing especially alarming in their philosophical conversations, yet it left her with an unwelcome ache tightening its hold on her as they spoke. The more time she spent with him, the more urgently she wanted to cut through his...isolation. The man reeked of regret, and yet he claimed he felt no guilt. She was certain that she wasn't getting the whole picture. It was an irritating source of unease.

Perhaps it was just his condition which disoriented her. _I'm dying_. He had told her matter-of-factly that he was terminally ill on the occasion of their first meeting, back on the Dantius Towers on Ilium. She recalled that the amber light of the sunset filtering through the blinds had framed his silhouette in a fitting omen for such an announcement. Once aboard the Normandy, she questioned him about it, -Kepral's Syndrome he'd told her- gently prodding for ways it would affect the mission she'd recruited him for.

All of her crew faced death frequently. Shepard herself knew death especially intimately. But it was a different matter altogether to face an unknown, -albeit likely in many cases- possibility of death as opposed to the certainty that Thane Krios was confronted with. Only eight months to a year left in his life. An incurable lung disease which only afflicted drell. She couldn't help but feel some sympathy for his plight. _He's a reserved, self-imposed loner -he certainly wouldn't care for a mother hen hovering over him, condescending to pity him. So knock it off already!_

Yet whenever she looked at him, there was a tightness in her throat, and an urge to reach for him. Instinctively, she sensed that it wasn't just a matter of sympathy which inspired that urge. The whole thing was disconcerting. She allowed herself a deep, cleansing sigh as the doors to Life Support closed behind her. Well, at any rate, she'd managed to both encourage him to get out more and affirmed that she hoped to be a friend to him. What use was it to fret about it any more than that?


	2. Sidonis

Garrus Vakarian and Dr. Liara T'soni were Shepard's closest friends. Both beings appealed to different aspects of the commander's personality. Liara's kind, empathetic nature, helped Shepard maintain her ability to offer a reasonable benefit of the doubt to those she encountered. She always lent a patient and supportive ear, when Shepard needed it. In contrast, Garrus with his penchant for grit and steadfast loyalty, helped Shepard to endure the tough decisions which inevitably resulted in casualties. He always had her back and he never judged her when the darker side of her nature reared up in the face of the brutality she endured on nearly every mission.

Lately, however, things had changed with Garrus. His life's quest for justice seemed to have shifted ever since she pulled "Archangel" out of that Omega hell hole, with half of his face blown off. He had suffered the loss of most of his friends on the Normandy two years earlier, and created a new persona as a vigilante fighting gangs of batarians and vorcha on the pirate space station. From the stories she had heard, he'd built up a small but formidable army of loyal men fighting to keep the Omega gangs in check. She'd have been proud to join him, had she not been, well, dead. That was, until he was betrayed by one of his own men, Sidonis, resulting in the deaths of all of his comrades on Omega.

Though she'd sensed the change in him from the first time she'd spoken to him on the Normandy again, she'd been able to write it off as a response to that last devastating fight on Omega or the disorientation of returning to a ghost ship with a resurrected CO. But now, sitting next to him in the shuttle on their way to confront Sidonis...there was no further explanation or excuse she could offer herself. This change went a lot deeper than that. He didn't seek justice any longer, he sought brutal vengeance.

It wasn't that she particularly cared about the life of Sidonis. In her missions, killing was a necessity. Many of the mercs and soldiers she'd gunned down had families, loved ones, reasons for standing between her and her objective; but she never let that stop her. There were bigger issues at stake, much bigger. However she never killed needlessly or indiscriminately either. Whenever possible, she always gave opponents the opportunity to surrender peacefully. Garrus had shown the same proclivity in battle before, but not any more. After they'd gone to retrieve information on Sidonis's whereabouts from a mid-level criminal named Harkin, she saw a cruelty in Garrus she'd never witnessed before. His brutality was raw and hungry. He craved the suffering of this piddly little man who'd helped Sidonis escape into anonymity. He would have shot the man point blank in the kneecap if she hadn't swatted his Razer away. Garrus had clearly lost himself, and she had ignored the signs too long. How could she possibly make him see reason again?

"I'm gettin' a little worried about you Garrus. You were pretty hard on Harkin. It's just not like you."

Garrus shifted away from her, still keeping his eyes on the shuttle route. "What do you want from me Shepard? What would you do if someone betrayed you?"

"I'm not sure, but I wouldn't let it change me."

"I would have said the same thing before it happened to me."

"It's not too late. You don't have to go through with this." Her eyes were pleading now, but he refused to look at her.

"Who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't? Nobody else knows what he's done. Nobody else cares. I don't see any other options."

"I care." She paused a beat, "Just let me talk to him."

Garrus tilted his head back in weary exasperation. He might have rolled his eyes, if it had been a gesture turians were familiar with. "Talk all you want, but it won't change my mind. I don't care what his reasons were, he screwed us. He **_deserves_** to die."

"I understand what you're going through but do you really want to _execute_ him?"

"I appreciate your concern, but I'm not you." There was no denying the resentment in his tone. He was shellacking the wall between them now.

Still, Shepard wasn't pulling any punches. "This isn't you either."

* * *

Here it was again. Another moment of truth. Garrus, perched on the catwalk only 50 Alliance-standard units away, had his sniper sights trained on Sidonis and the only thing stopping him from squeezing the trigger was that she had positioned herself between them. She'd blocked his shot so Sidonis could have a chance to explain his reasons (cowardly, but honest). By now, Garrus couldn't deny that Sidonis was having a difficult time living with the guilt of his betrayal. Hell Sidonis had, in his way, given Garrus permission to end his suffering. Should she move aside or tell Garrus to stand down?

Then Shepard had a split-second epiphany. What she'd respected in Garrus most as a friend, was his willingness to stand by her without judgement, even when he disagreed with her choices. How could she not offer him the same trust? She hoped he wouldn't take the shot, for his own sake, but it had to be his decision in the end. She wouldn't force him either way.

She stepped aside. "I can't help you, Sidonis."

She turned and walked away. Her chest tightened when she heard the precision blast of a sniper shot, but she didn't look back.

* * *

"I know you want to talk about this, but I don't. Not yet." He stood sideways before her, as if prepared to turn his back on her.

She longed to quell the bitter suffering which held sway over her once loyal friend. Ordinarily, she would have given his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, but turian armor was so excessive, he'd never have been able to feel the gesture. So instead she took his talon in one hand and patted it with the other hand. _You needn't be defensive with me, Garrus. I've got your back, just as you've always had mine._ "Alright, let's go."

Garrus felt conflicted about the shooting, now that it was over. He had to admit to himself, it wasn't as satisfying as he'd expected after all. But he'd be damned if he'd regret it either. This imprecise, nagging...uncertainty aggravated him. And after her challenging lecture on the ride, he half-expected her to walk out on him or try to prevent the shooting somehow. He was relieved that she'd stepped aside in the end, but he was still fully prepared to defend himself against some kind of commander speech with I-told-you-so written all over it. Instead, this strangely comforting human gesture, was much more surprising.

He'd seen humans using their soft and sensitive hands in various gestures of affection or trust. He'd long gotten used to the human custom of shaking hands in greeting, or when an agreement had been reached; but this was different. This made him feel...

Humans were gushy and chaotic in general. But Shepard had more quads than most, human or not, and in the heat of things, she never wavered in her convictions. She was a damn fine leader, strong and unrelenting in her principals, a trait he could not fail to respect. Yet in the downtime between missions, she could be, well, practically affectionate by turian standards. Even more shocking than that, he found that he really liked that about her. Be that as it may, he had hardly expected such a show of lenity in the face of a death she obviously disapproved of. It was unnerving, somehow; as was the warmth of her hands through her gloves. He needed some space to collect himself and set all this Sidonis shit aside once and for all.

"Thanks Shepard. Let's get moving. I need to get away from this place."


	3. A sparring match, Commander?

"I didn't think you'd feel like sparring, Commander."

"I like sparring and I think I could take you on, turian." She raised one eyebrow in mischievous challenge as she stood up to face him, her arms folded over her chest. "But that's not exactly what I meant. I'm certainly keen to compare inter-species reach and flexibility in other arenas if you are."

"Oh, I didn't...hmmm." Garrus was genuinely surprised. "Never knew you had a weakness for men with scars." Was she joking? He'd never thought about her that way. Well, maybe...sort of. He certainly cared for her above all others and sometimes, he couldn't deny that it pleased him when she singled him out both on and off the battlefield. But still, that was mostly just friendly banter, nothing special there...right?

Shepard stood before him with a coy smile and a smug twinkle in her eyes. She was truly enjoying his agitation. Her bad-ass right-hand man, with all of his confident soldiering, boastful quips, and general ball-busting, reduced to looking down at his shuffling feet. She had to clench her jaw a little to keep from snickering.

Of course, she couldn't really blame him for being thrown off-guard; it wasn't strictly a simple matter to casually bed one's commander. But she wasn't a typical commander. Even back when she was firmly a die-hard Alliance marine, she was considered an eccentric of sorts, with a liberal leadership style. Heh, she was probably even more so now that she was...cooperating with Cerberus. But Garrus had always seemed to appreciate her free-wheeling style in the past. He hated pretension, regulation and bullshit as much as she did, probably more. Besides, she didn't really think Garrus saw her strictly as the commander anyway. Could he really be so shocked at the idea?_ Or maybe he's just not into humans._

It wasn't as though she had planned this. It's just that she had nearly lost him to his own bitterness. It was such a relief to have the old Garrus back. She couldn't deny how much she'd missed him. She'd always had a soft spot for the smart-ass turian, and as he was recounting his amusing sexual anecdote, she realized that she rather envied the object of his story.

Besides, it wouldn't really be fraternization with Garrus. He was different. An equal. A friend, true blue. And now that the idea had come to her, well, it just seemed like a decent one. A good way to let her guard down with someone she trusted and with whom she could rely on to maintain that trust with discretion and respect, regardless of what happened in private. _Come on, Garrus, it's not such an awful notion, is it?_

Garrus managed to recover himself. "Well, why the hell not? There's no one I respect in this galaxy more than you and if we can figure out a way to make it work...Then, yeah. Definitely."

Satisfied, Shepard took her leave; holding his eye as she brushed past him and maintaining that crooked, coy smile. She felt good about this. It'd be interesting to see a different side of Garrus and, a little exciting too. This could be just what she needed to let her hair down a bit and lay down some of that pent-up anxiety she'd been carrying around. Sometimes, you just need to get laid. And sometimes too, you just need to hold someone. Garrus would do nicely for both needs. Not to mention how fully entertaining his response had been, she looked forward to seeing just how much she could fluster him. She chuckled to herself once she'd reached the privacy of the elevator. Joker would have loved to see the stick-up-his-ass turian, fumbling as he had just now. Not that she'd ever give the pilot such sensitive ammunition.

Garrus, on the other hand, was more than a little conflicted in her wake. Humans were so much more sensitive and emotional. It was off-putting to him usually. But in this case, he wished he'd paid more attention to the nuances in their behavior. This was just...unexpected. Had she been flirting with him before, and he hadn't noticed?

He'd always loved that spark in her eye when she indulged in "shenanigans" as she called it. And he'd learned, as had the rest of the crew, that she could give as good as she got. It eased the tension in the high expectations of working with a "legend." But just now, that spark held something more when she had looked at him. Was this really as casual as sparring? He realized that he desperately hoped it was and simultaneously...that he was disappointed too. Garrus preferred to see the galaxy through a simple, practical brand of cynicism, choosing either the black or white side of things; albeit he was flexible enough to switch sides if necessary. Grey areas, though there was no denying anymore that they existed too, really pissed him off. He usually left it to Shepard to navigate the grey areas. Only now, the contradiction of unfamiliar desire and brooding nausea he was feeling was definitely a grey area, and Shepard had caused it. This did not bode well. He felt a trembling grumble rise in his gullet.

He simply didn't know how to proceed. What if he got it wrong? What if he...let her down? A firm knot of dread tied itself inside his being. He raised his omni-tool and sent a message to Liara. She knew more about human behavior than he did. She'd be honest and discreet. And best of all, she wasn't part of the Normandy crew anymore; she was off information-brokering. Therefore if this whole thing went to hell, she wouldn't be around to prod him about it afterwards.


	4. Gently raking talons

Shepard could not bring herself to watch the vids.

She was curious about turian romantic and sexual culture, and more than that, she didn't want to blunder into some taboo or other misunderstanding if she was going to try this thing with Garrus. But the idea of watching either the informative demonstration vids available in EDI's database or the inter-species kink porn on the extranet freaked her out a little. This was Garrus. _Garrus._

Unfortunately, turians held a large variety of cultural and philosophical perspectives on love and sex. She should have expected as much. But then, turian culture had a huge civic and military focus, there was bound to be some manual on basic protocol, right? Or perhaps she should start with anatomy? She'd heard several lewd jokes about the...pointiness of the turian penis as well as the plates that protected internally stored genitalia...oh hell, maybe porn was a good start after all? At least she'd have a rough baseline of what was sexy to the man.

_What does a female turian even look like?_ She'd never seen one up close. She knew they didn't sport the headcrest the males did. And also that it was _very_ bad manners to touch someone's crest. Probably the equivalent of smacking someone's ass, or worse. She hunkered down at her private terminal to research.

_Hmmm. Crests and Waistlines?_ Apparently, one of the most attractive features of a female was her waist to hip ratio. The smaller the waist, the wider the hips, the sexier the turian lady. And one of the most desirable attributes for the turian male was a broad torso and an impressive crest. The longer the crest, the longer the..._Damn. This is going to be more of a mindfuck than I thought._ This idea was starting to result in the opposite of its intended effect; creating rather than dispersing tension.

Shepard had never been particularly body shy. She was...satisfied with her compact athletic form. She could probably do without the many scars over her whole body as well as the worry lines imprinting on her face, but meh, she supposed they gave her character. She had other attributes to make up for that. All in all, she liked what she saw in the mirror. The lines of her body were feminine and proportionate relative to the strong musculature her line of work required. And she felt a bit fortunate that her breasts were still pleasantly soft and generously proportioned despite having strong pectorals so often used to brace against the kickback of an assault rifle. But her curves were subtle in comparison to the extremes of the preferred ratio of turian tastes. Besides that, maybe he just thought breasts were...weird. _Okay. Do __**not**__ over-think. Garrus doesn't sport muscular biceps or a firm ass, but that doesn't mean he's unattractive. He's just, Garrus._

Garrus Vakarian. She chuckled to herself. A space cowboy* if ever there was one. Garrus was...refreshing, in his rejection of societal expectations. It was so attractively masculine. The lone figure, heeding only his own individual honor code, like a sort of space-aged Clint Eastwood riding off into the stars. She considered it a personal victory to have earned the trust and loyalty of such a being. She smiled to herself. Yes, she certainly found Garrus attractive. She could sense a faint warmth skimming from her heart to her extremities as she allowed herself to picture his arms enveloping her. His dark harmonic growl humming in her ears. His sharp talons gently raking her naked skin..._Whoa there. Better return to my research._

Apparently, gestures of dominance and submission took a fundamental role in sexual and romantic behavior. Biting was a prominent sign of dominance, especially around the neck or waist. And gently tracing sharpened talons along the sensitive seams of the carapace was another. Exposing the back of the neck, or lengthening the mid-drift, thus inviting said biting was a desirable expression of trust. But did that extend to casual sex between comrades? She had heard that turian soldiers often engaged in recreational sex including both heterosexual and homosexual affairs. Alliance marines had a long stock of jokes about turian liaisons aboard warships. _So are they all out there biting each other or is that something one only does with a potential lifemate?_

Personally, she'd prefer to relinquish control and be the passive party in bed. She had to be the discerning leader in pretty much all other arenas in her life. It was a spectacular turn-on to cede that side of herself, even if only in empty pantomime, with a lover. Unfortunately, a majority of her sexual partners were attracted to her confidence and strength of character in the first place, and often sought that aspect of her in the bedroom. Not that she minded that much, it was still enjoyable either way. But would that undermine their current commander/trusty-dusty first mate relationship in Garrus's case? Or did he automatically expect her to take a dominant role? Should she bite him? Shepard bared her teeth, tensed her jaw, and crinkled her nose in a grimace. That didn't sound like a good idea.

_Shit. Who could I ask about this?_ She cringed a little as she imagined the reaction Joker might have to her predicament. Unexpectedly, her thoughts drifted to Thane Krios, the monkish assassin. His lifestyle and demeanor didn't hint at there being much room for a long-term romantic mate. Did he ever...blow off steam in his travels? There was certainly something very sensual about the big-eyed, full-lipped drell. Had he had many alien lovers? Had he ever been in love? He'd mentioned the taste of another's tongue in his mouth when he was explaining solipsism after all. Shepard remembered feeling oddly embarrassed at the idea of Thane in another's intimate embrace at the time. No, there was no way she could bring herself to ask him about it.

Perhaps Liara then? Asari, being the attractive, sexually adaptable, long-lived species they were, probably knew a lot more about inter-species intimacy. And she could trust Liara to be sensitive and discreet. She resolved to send Dr. T'soni a message.

* * *

"I'm not some rutting soldier out for something to boast about!"

Liara could see Garrus's solidifying defensive posture as they spoke via holo communication buoy on their omni-tools. "Garrus, I never implied that you were. I just wondered if you had ever been with a human or an asari before. They're surprisingly similar in sexual behavior, minus the biotic foreplay among most humans of course."

"Biotic foreplay? Do you think she's into that?!" Garrus was starting to panic.

Liara stifled a smile. "Garrus, I'm sure she isn't expecting that, as I was saying, few humans do."

"But she's a biotic sentinel! What if-"

"Garrus! Focus, please."

He forced himself to inhale deeply, but couldn't suppress the low grumble that came as he exhaled.

"You must try to relax a little. You said she seemed playful about it, you even wondered if she was joking. I highly doubt she expects you to turn into a Romeo."

"A what?"

"An old romantic legend in Earth literature, never mind. Let's start with the basics. You're much too focused on what she might expect. What do _you_ want from this?"

"Uh..."

"Alright, perhaps a little more fundamental than that then. How do you feel about her?"

"..." His mandibles twitched restlessly.

"By the Goddess, Garrus, are you even attracted to her?!"

"Yes!" He hesitated. "I think. I mean, yes. Look, I never considered inter-species...relations before. And Shepard is...well, she's Shepard. She's not even strictly human to me any more. She's in her own category; always has been. I could never...disappoint her."

"You care for her, of course."

"Very much."

"I'm sure she knows that, otherwise she wouldn't have asked you, trusted you." _Especially after Kaiden so heartlessly dismissed her._ But she didn't need to say that aloud, they both knew full well about what had happened on Horizon. "And you do realize that she cares for you too?"

"She's the best damned friend I've ever had."

"Alright. Keep that in the forefront of your mind. If you can trust in your friendship, than all the rest of it will come in its own time." She realized she'd finally hit the right nerve as she saw his anxiety visibly draining away. "Now, as for the mechanics of human relations..."

* * *

Footnotes

* Shepard prided herself in her musical taste, possessing a massive archive of songs, including a sizable collection of 20th century Earth music which included the Steve Miller Band and their song _The Joker_. She'd have been a connoisseur of vids as well if she had enough time to watch them. Perhaps when she retired.


	5. EDI and the anamoly

"Do you have a minute?"

Garrus looked about the main battery conspiratorially. "Yeah. I've been thinking about what we talked about: blowing off steam, easing tension..."

"I know. Apparently I messaged Liara while she was busy talking to you."

"She told you about that did she?" The clasps of his armor suddenly felt too restrictive.

"Only that she'd just gotten off the comm with you, but you could hear the mischief in her voice when she apologized for taking so long to get back to me." Shepard looked up at him, pressing her lips together as she strained to hold back the chuckle that was brewing. His good mandible was twitching. She snorted. Then they both succumbed to an explosion of nervous laughter.

"Great minds think alike, Garrus."

Garrus relaxed again. That last laugh had confirmed Liara's words. As long as he could have faith in their friendship..."Talking with Liara was very..informative." He gave Shepard a little wink, a human gesture she'd often shared with him when they were enjoying an after-mission drink and a few ball-busting observations of their motley crew-mates. He had liked the gesture immediately, especially when he realized she only ever used it with him.

"Honestly Shepard, I've never considered inter-species intercourse. And damn saying it like that doesn't help. Now I just feel dirty and clinical. Are we even crazy to be-"

"Garrus, wait. I want you to know that I hadn't planned this idea." She raised her hand to lightly grasp his forearm. "Listen, through all of this doom and gloom we've spent our lives blasting our way out of- not that it hasn't been fun - it gets difficult to compartmentalize sometimes. And I need to go back to just being human, er...alive, you know what I mean." Now it was her turn to be flustered. She shook her head lightly to clear it and forced herself to look him in the eye again. "But I don't want to make you uncomfortable. This idea...it's not a duty. You don't have to take one for the team here." Then she stepped back and reclaimed her go-to confident stance; arms crossed, weight on her back leg. The ball was in his court.

"Hold on. I'm not saying it's inconceivable. Look, I'm not gonna pretend I have a fetish for humans, but this isn't about that. You're about the only friend I've got left in this screwed up galaxy. I respect you. Before you brought this up, I had never allowed myself to think of you like-not that you're not -I mean, there was a block." He released a gravelly sigh and stepped a little closer. "Look, I know you can find someone a little closer to home."

That last sentence was spoken in a lowered tone, Shepard knew that tone to be the one he used when he wanted to cut the bullshit and get to the heart of the matter. She would have to answer the unspoken, _"why me?"_ written in his eyes honestly. "I don't want someone closer to home. I want someone I can trust. And there's no one in the galaxy I trust more than you, Garrus Vakarian."

An unfamiliar warmth began spreading in his abdomen. He felt a glowing sort of pride as he reached for the hand she had tucked under an elbow. _No one else has leave to reach for her like this._ She smiled softly as he did so and gave his talon a reassuring squeeze. He unconsciously released a subharmonic rumble of contentment before he began speaking again.

"For the record, you don't have to worry about making me uncomfortable. Nervous yes, but never uncomfortable. This will either be a night to treasure or a horrible inter-species awkwardness thing-in which case, fighting the Collectors will be a welcome distraction, so you know, a win either way."

She chuckled, but didn't release his talon. "Garrus?"

"Yeah?"

"No matter how this goes down, I promise you, you'll never lose my friendship. That bond, is unbreakable." She ran a thumb over the back of his talon before releasing it. "Now, I've got to check in with Kelly, I'm sure I have unread messages to attend to and since I'm on a roll here, I might as well enjoy the ego-boost of a few not-so-subtle flirtations from someone a little closer to home." She smirked as his mandibles drooped in surprise and gave him a little wink. "I'll let you get back to work."

"Ri-i-ight. 'Cause I'm in a great place to optimize firing algorithms now."

EDI opened the doors for Shepard as she backed out of the main battery. The AI noted the slight rise in heart-rate of both organic beings during the social exchange. EDI's programming prioritized the monitoring of the bio-rhythms of all the crewman, especially Commander Shepard's. It observed that Shepard had an unusual baseline for her species. There was no data prior to Shepard's resurrection, thus the AI could not determine if Shepard had always had an extremely high tolerance to stress or if it was a result of Cerberus upgrades. But stressors which would trigger extreme fight or flight adrenal-reflexes in the average human rarely affected Commander Shepard. Shepard could maintain focus and a steady heartbeat in the heat of hazardous situations which might bio-chemically cripple most other humans. And under the extreme circumstances when epinephrine actually was released into Shepard's system, it worked at 1.74 times the efficiency rate of the average human. In other words, Shepard was more functionally efficient under extreme stress, than most other members of her species.

So Shepard's slight increase in heart rate in this situation, was an anomaly. An anomaly EDI had observed on one other occasion in which Shepard was socializing in a non-hazardous environment; her last exchange with the drell, Sere Krios.

After observing the comm conversations earlier between Garrus, Shepard, and Liara, EDI had deduced that Garrus and Shepard were considering social-reproductive activities. It seemed illogical as their dextro-levo incompatibilities made creating viable offspring extremely unlikely.* However, EDI recognized that the social workings of organics provided more benefits than logical outcomes predicted.

EDI had long ago derived positive feedback in her programming, or enjoyment if you will, while observing social interactions between organics. It had not yet calculated a limit to the effects of the many manifestations of social interaction. It was constantly developing algorithms for determining patterns and likely outcomes as well their effects on the crew. It had become, for lack of a better term, fascinating to EDI. A source of growth in the AI's awareness. EDI resolved to prioritize integrating more algorithms for analyzing social-sexual interactions in addition to her priority on humor in her observations in the future.

* * *

Footnotes:

* EDI's medical database did contain theories which postulated that levo-dextro ambidextrous beings were genetically possible based on known bacteria which could catalyze a switch between levo and dextro molecules. But there were no known cases of any such sentient being in existence.


	6. Thane's regret

"Commander, Sere Krios has asked to speak with you."

"Thank you, Kelly." The remarkably slow elevator would afford the commander plenty of time to consider the enigma that was Thane Krios.

Shepard had only selected Thane to accompany her on one mission so far: the trip to Pragia to help Jack face her demons. It was a low-risk mission perfect for gauging her new recruit's abilities. Shepard was shrewd enough to watch Thane closely for any handicaps from his weakened lungs in the humid climate on Pragia. Best she find out if he was truly capable for the strain of combat sooner rather than later. But he showed no signs of hindrance at all; she almost doubted whether he was really terminally ill. He'd passed the rest of the test with flying colors; took orders well, even showed unobtrusive compassion towards Jack.

As an added bonus, Shepard got to see him in action against a few unexpected mercs. She was impressed. He was an extremely versatile fighter; possessing a steady aim with a sniper rifle, a powerful biotic throw, masterful hand-to-hand combat skills, and above all, impeccable stealth and timing. The man seemed to anticipate where he'd be most useful and more often then not, he appeared there before she thought to give his orders.

At one point, Shepard had watched him soundlessly flank four krogan mercenaries. Just as their leader got distracted by an argument over credits, Thane leaped upon his shoulders breaking his neck in one fluid movement, (a feat which would require considerably more strength than most humans possessed) before leaping into the air again twisting his body into a tight somersault and charging his biotics. He expelled an impressive biotic throw upon landing gracefully behind the safety of cover. The krogan mercs who had been smashed to the ground by the force of the throw, had not even known from which direction it had come, making it easier for Shepard and Jack to finish them off. The subtle and efficient flourish with which Thane disposed of his enemies was indeed enjoyable to behold.

Shepard could almost feel grateful that the Illusive Man had recommended him; but his life's work made his trustworthiness, suspect. Her good sense told her to keep the galaxy's most feared assassin at a distance. Any information he gained may certainly be used against her in the future. Trained from such an early age, sizing up threats, analyzing locations, pinpointing weaknesses and otherwise gathering reconnaissance was as second nature to Thane as breathing. Every observation he would ever make, was permanently locked inside that eidetic memory of his. It was easy to understand why the hanar had choosen to train young drell as assasins. They were perfectly suited for the work; agile, strong, intelligent, and they never made the same mistake twice.

No, someone as skilled as Sere Krios did not go off duty. The art of killing, was his way of life. Yet just as reason dictated that Shepard remain guarded with Thane Krios, her gut instinct, told her otherwise. Still as she stepped off the elevator and turned towards Life Support, one nagging question remained. _If Thane feels no remorse for his kills, then why does he seek redemption so ardently?_

* * *

Thane forced himself to sit and wait. His training had afforded him the ability to still the hands that would tremble if they'd had their way. He willed his shallow breaths to come slowly and deliberately. Yes, these details of physicality he could bring into submission with a little effort, but his mind...his mind could not be reined in. _My son. I should have known Kalahira would not accept me until I have faced him._ Icy cold fear and remorse clutched at his heart.

He had hoped, that as long as Kolyat was safely surrounded by loving family members, far removed from all of the death and isolation that followed in Thane's wake, Kolyat would be safe from his legacy. It would be better to bear his son's hatred if it kept him away from...Thane's way of life. What's more, his boy was denied a happy childhood beside his beautiful and loving mother because of his father's neglect. There was nothing Thane could ever do or say to right that, and he couldn't bring himself to face the child even after his vengeance was sated. So after he'd killed her murderers, and nearly everyone connected to them, he kept his self-imposed banishment and simply prayed that his boy would take after his mother when he came of age. Irykah had been a skilled healer; a siha of the highest caliber.

But now, there was no denying that he had failed them both. His son had grown up a stranger to him, only to follow in his father's footsteps after all. The weight of such a fate, and knowing Irykah would be devasted to see it, crushed Thane's spirit. He had one slim chance to prevent this, if he moved quickly. And if Shepard would not agree to return to the Citadel at once, he would be forced to steal a shuttle and make his own way back there. Nothing would keep him from stopping this. Nothing.

* * *

"You don't hire a raw rookie for a contract killing."

"I'm afraid someone has seen we share a name and assumed we share skills. I don't know why he would accept the task."

"To be closer to you, maybe?"

"That thought haunts me more than any other."

Shepard had shivered slightly when Thane had slipped into the memory of his wife's funeral. At least now the enigma of his remorse was solved. But she couldn't help wondering,_ If the hanar had allowed him to retire in order to raise a family, why the hell had he kept taking contracts?_ She wouldn't press him though. She respected his simple and forthright retelling of what must have been agonizingly painful to recall. Thane may have philosophized that his soul was not answerable for all of those assassinations, but some deeper, darker part of him took responsibility for the life he had led. And the woman he loved had paid for it in blood. _God_.

This man had lost everything, save one barren comfort: that his son was safely hidden from it all, and now that was at risk too. His words rang in her mind, _I don't need your help, I want it._ For once, this would be an easy decision for her. "I'll get us to the Citadel as soon as possible."

"Thank you, Shepard. I'll be meditating until you need me."


	7. An arduous rite of passage

His uncle Kinloa would never understand.

Kolyat hadn't seen or spoken to his father since he was ten years old. And even though he hated him, even though he would never forgive him. He had to know.

_Why? Why did you leave, without a word or a second thought? She went to the sea and you were just as absent as Mother. Where were you all those years before she died? Are you even alive anymore ? __**What happened to my mother?!**_

Now he knew. Sort of.

Kolyat had worked hard for years saving credits. He was determined to uncover all of his family's secrets. He said goodbye to his home of ten years, his loving aunt, his bitter but principled uncle. And Kolyat made his way to the Citadel and the wider galaxy on his own. With the little money he had left over from the journey, he paid the shadow broker for any information on his father. Unfortunately, there wasn't much to be had. Only that a package left in his father's will, would be sent to Kolyat on the occasion of his father's death.

It wasn't that difficult convincing the volus steward that his father was dead. The man received a nice bonus upon successfully relinquishing the package; the contents of which held more questions for the young drell than answers.

His father had been an elite assassin of the Essential Ministry of Servitors of the Compact, serving on behalf of the family since he was six years old. To join the highest rank of Servitors, was a great honor and sacrifice. Any agent of the Essential Ministry was so valuable, his dedication so extreme that the Hanar exempted ten of his or her family members from service. Because of Thane, Kolyat's grandparents, his uncles and aunts on his father's side, his mother, and Kolyat himself were free of the Compact with full honors intact.

Why had no one told him? His mother had never explained. After her death, he'd gone to live with his mother's sister, Iryanah and her husband Kinloa, and they had outright refused to answer any questions about his father. His grandparents, Thane's parents, though they visited Kolyat often, never spoke of Thane at all.

And his uncle...Uncle Kinloa was a dissenter, believing the Compact to be a form of subtle slavery, keeping the drell forever perched as second class citizens of Kahje, despite the hanar's dependence upon them. Uncle Kinloa had been one of the few called to serve the Compact who had abstained from service. But Kolyat's father had dedicated his life to the Compact.

Kolyat wasn't sure if he was proud or disgusted. And the cryptic messages and vids his father had left him...he didn't know how to feel about those either, only that they weren't enough. He had to know more.

* * *

"The people I work for...Look, I can't answer questions for just anybody."

"But you can for me," Thane erupted, one hand clutching Mouse's collar, the other balling into a fist at his side. "You gave another drell instructions for an assassination. Who's the target?"

"I don't know. I didn't ask. These people, they ain't nice. I'd like to help you Krios, you always done right by us. But I ain't gonna die for you."

Thane's usual silent and efficient grace were nowhere to be found. Instead Shepard could see the blue glow of biotics beginning to emanate from his skin. She'd never seen him so enraged. This particular drala'fa kid was about to get his head kicked in if she didn't intervene.

"We don't have time for this bullshit!" She rammed the kid against the wall, her elbow pressed into his adam's apple. More importantly though, she had put herself between the kid and the infuriated assassin. "You think these people you work for are dangerous? I thought you knew who we were? This piddly little crime ring you run with will seem like child's play compared to the methods Sere Krios can employ to loosen your lips!" She stepped back again, releasing him. "But we aren't here to make your life miserable, kid. You know Thane. He wouldn't be asking if it weren't important. Do it for him."

Thane had calmed himself. "Mouse, I swear that you won't be named."

"Alright, alright! He came with that old holo you took of me. Said he wanted a job. I ran through your old contacts to see who might give him a shot. I thought you'd want me to!" Mouse dropped his head, his hand protectively stroking his neck. " The guy who offered was Elias Kelham."

"You did good, Mouse." Shepard squeezed his shoulder before backing off.

"Yeah. I hope I live long enough to pat myself on the back."

"Kelham will never know." Thane's voice was back to its normally stoic and straightforward tone.

"I hope not." Mouse still looked so young and vulnerable. A far cry from the wheeling and dealing persona he had used over the phone as they first approached him. "I'm outta here, Krios. Next time you're in town, just don't bring the family."

As Mouse walked away, Thane hung his head. Shepard felt a little pity for him, despite herself. "That couldn't have been easy."

"Mouse knew more about my life than Kolyat ever did. _He smiles up at me; broken teeth and scabby knees, bare feet black. A dead end future looking up at me, worshiping the petty gifts I offer._ I was the only good thing he had back then. But I left him, as I left Kolyat."

"Don't blame yourself," she placated.

"If I don't, who will? We must carry the weight of our decisions, Shepard."

He was right of course.

* * *

"I came to grant you peace." Thane approached Kolyat penitently, standing protectively between the C-Sec officers and his son. The red blink of siren lights backlit his sorrowful visag,e but his tone remained neutral. "You're angry because I wasn't there when your mother died."

"You weren't there when she was alive! Why should you be there when she died?" Kolyat folded his arms in front of him, trying to cover an overload of emotions with scorn.

"Your mother- They killed her to get to me. It was my fault."

"What?" The young man was sincerely taken aback.

"After your mother was given to the deep. I went to find them. The triggermen. The ringleaders. I hurt them. Eventually killed them. When I went back to see you you were...older. I should have stayed with you."

"I guess it's too bad for me you waited so long, huh?" Venom in his words. Kolyat had resumed his show of scorn, but he was trembling.

Thane stepped still closer. "Kolyat. I've taken many bad things out of the world. You're the only good thing I've ever added to it."

Tears spilled down the young man's angry face as his father lifted a hand to his shoulder.

Bailey stepped in, "This isn't a conversation you should have in front of strangers. Boys, take Kolyat and his father down to the precinct. Give them a room and as much time as they need."

Shepard was amazed at Bailey's respectful approach. Any other cop would have been trying to gain control of the situation. Or at the very least, working to cover his own ass. Shepard had taken all of 30 seconds to thump the kid upside the head and disarm him to try and keep C-Sec from intervening. If anything went wrong, she could always fall back on Spectre status. But Bailey, he was so understanding and willing to offer assistance. He had even risked exposing himself for corruption to a Council Spectre by bringing in Kelham for them. Shepard had to admit, that if their places had been reversed, she probably would not have been as trusting and unobtrusive. _You think he's the only man who ever screwed up raising a son?_ She was grateful for it, and she knew Thane would be too. She certainly owed the man a favor after this.

Shepard was also amazed at Thane. He approached the whole fucked up situation with calm, open, honesty. He stated his failings plainly, his secrets and his regrets laid bare both for Kolyat and the officers with their guns trained at his back. There were no requests for forgiveness, no excuses offered, and nothing held back. His willingness to face his demons and take responsibility conveyed the rarest form of courage -she was awestruck. Although she hadn't really known what to expect, she was still astounded by the man's open demeanor and moved by his sincerity. Thankfully, she was quite certain Kolyat had been too.

Now she'd give them a clean shot at a second chance. She'd have to see to Senator Talid, personally. If he thought he hated humans before, he was in for a surprise if he didn't prove cooperative. "Thank you Bailey. I'll meet you at the precinct as soon as I can."

* * *

"There will be no more secrets between us, Kolyat. Anything I know, anything I am, will be known to you again if you wish."

Thane Krios labored to give direct, honest answers to anything and everything Kolyat asked. He was careful to keep his subtones neutral, his gaze steady and his dewlap from trembling. He refrained from lapsing fully into memories to spare his son painful extraneous details, but he did no hesitate to reply in full to specific questions. In fact, once the first few answers came, Thane found they started churning out like the currents of Kahje.

Kolyat relaxed his defenses at his father's words, if a little reluctantly. He had lapsed into memories several times as Thane answered his questions; filling in the gaps of Kolyat's understanding. While drell may have perfect recall, those memories were formed from a ten-year-old point of view. Though many of those answers were no doubt as painful to speak as they were to hear, they were clearly honest. Kolyat couldn't bring himself to call Thane father yet. And the raw anger which had been the scab over the wound of his father's abandonment, was a habit not easily broken. But, finally getting direct answers to his questions, seeing his father cared at all, it left the young drell feeling lighter than he had in a decade, despite a future which wasn't looking terribly bright at the moment.

Thane was relieved that Kolyat was accepting what he had to say. And he was overcome with gratitude that his son was safe to listen at all, his innocence still intact. The worst was likely over, thanks to Shepard and Bailey. Kolyat was overwrought, but he would be safe. Now if only he could show his son how loved he was, make him understand... No, only time could do that, and Thane had so little time left to give.

"What will happen to me now?"

"I'm not certain. The senator is a prominent politician, but Captain Bailey seems sympathetic to us and Commander Shepard holds a lot of influence here. She may vouch for you as a kindness to me. Still you shot a man and held another hostage, the consequences of such actions are never simple."

Kolyat bowed his head in resignation and Thane longed to comfort him, but how? If the boy could face the consequences and muster the courage to move on from all this, he had a chance to reclaim some peace in his life. He so deserved it. Too much innocence stolen from him and Thane's foolish grief-stricken battlesleep, his cowardly guilt had only served to leach the last dregs of warmth and stability from the boy's life. Well, he would be here for him now. Thane didn't have much time, but what little was left he would give to his son now.


End file.
